Jackie: A Tale of Perversity and Woe

There's all of this ambition inside of me, and nowhere for it to go.

Hi! I don't update this often enough anymore, which is kind of sad. I do have things to talk about, sometimes, but I've grown lazy and instead prefer to spend my time aimlessly scrolling Tumblr. I've grown lazy about a lot of things, truth be told. I'm growing increasingly more restless from Not Writing Things, and yet here I sit, in my pajamas, on my day off, Not Writing Things, even though I really want to. Why? Because I'm lazy. And also I have no confidence in myself. And I have no ideas. And I'm scared of failure. And every time I try to write something I get stuck and I give up.

I give up really easily. This has always been a personal failing with me. When I was a kid my mom had to bribe me with Spice Girls merchandise in order to get me to learn how to ride a bike, because I staunchly refused to continue practicing after falling over a bunch of times. I wish someone could bribe me with, like, cold hard cash in order to get me to finish my screenplay, or to practice editing, or write a fanfic, or something. I haven't really been doing anything creative lately and I can feel the toll it's taking on my mind. They say that a writer must write, and I really do have to, I really want to, but I can't because of my own hang-ups and it's driving me mad. I know I should just WRITE and not worry about if it's any good or not but I can't. Or I try and then I just can't continue.

I need to stop whining and just do it.

I should've known better than to do something even moderately difficult like Italian Buttercream because I have no idea what I'm doing and I suck. I can't even separate eggs, for God's sakes.

It just goes to show, everything I do I am hopelessly mediocre at. I wanted to throw out the cupcakes but my mom won't let me because she says my dad will eat them, even though I know he won't because he never eats anything I bake. I don't want yet another cupcake from a mix with fucking store-bought frosting because I am an incompetent idiot.

Just forget it.

ETA: I calmed down after about a minute and made regular buttercream instead. And I still got to use my cool dessert decorator thing, so yay!



What happened was, I couldn't separate the egg whites to save my life. The yolk kept falling out. I don't know if it was the eggs themselves or if it was me, but the yolk was running all over the place and I wound up wasting about 18 eggs trying to get six goddamn egg whites. So I told my mom to please get me some egg whites from the store (I didn't feel like going) when she got home from work. So I poured the egg whites into the bowl, mixed it, put the sugar and water on the stove... and I think where I might have messed up was letting the sugar cool for a bit because I wasn't sure if the egg whites were doing what they were supposed to be doing, and then the sugar wound up caramelizing in the bowl and it was RUINED FOREVER.

So I went and cried in my room for a bit and felt like fail before I decided that I wanted to finish my damn cupcakes, even if I had to make regular, sugary buttercream. Luckily I still had some confectioner's sugar left over from last time, and it wasn't a ridiculous amount so this instance of buttercream frosting wasn't as sugary as the last few times.

I'm sure you're all very sick of me talking about oh woe is me, I had to drop out of college and now I owe tons of money, whatever I shall do, I suck at most things and I hate my job that I make barely any money at, boo hoo hoo -- hell, I'm sick of THINKING about it, to be honest. I'm sick of making excuses for myself... even if it's not really "making excuses", since all of it is true. I think I am a victim of one of those childhoods where all the adult figures in my life tell me I am super awesome and special and talented, and it demotivates me because I've always been told I would get far because I'm just so naturally gifted or whatever.

Agh. Life sucks. WHAT TO DO, WHAT TO DO. Sometimes I think I might be depressed. I've just lost enthusiasm for so many things I used to enjoy. I am so terrified of failure that I can't even try anymore. It sucks.

Wow, been a long time since I've done a Procrasti Nation.

Let's see, what am I procrastinating on right now... there's the brief response paper on Pulp Fiction and Babel that's due tomorrow... the two essays I have to write for Lit class next week... my *~Secret Project~*...

Yeah. I'm just really tired and miserable right now and don't feel like doing anything. You would think it had been a good day -- I had a fine time during Editing class putting my film together, laughing up a storm with Andrea and Corinne, but I'm still totally miserable. I wish I could get myself out of this rut I'm in, but I'm really afraid that I can't.

...Wait, how did this turn into an emo!post? O_o

I can't write. Whatever made me think I could write? I'm an idiot. Who also can't write. Well, I can write somewhat half-way decently. But mostly everyone else can write, like, 10000000x better than me and it's driving me nuts because I'll never be good enough.

*le emo*

(this has nothing to do with the bestofheroes thing, btw. Just in case that's what you were thinking. I wasn't expecting to win, and would've been totally shocked and confused if I had.)

...and even though I'm having a Writer's Emo Moment right now, I still want to write a Zach/Sendhil fic. TOO---MANY---PLOT BUNNIES---*short-circuits and dies*

I have to get rid of something on The List. Probably Mohinder/Thompson, since I can write that anytime and I have no ideas for it yet.

LATER: Okay. I started the Zach/Sendhil fic. And I hate having story files named "Untitled", I gave it a temporary title, and it keeps cracking me up, and I can't concentrate.

It's "Zach Likes When Sendhil is Nekkid".

You see? It keeps making me think I'm writing crack, which I'm not.

(no, this post has nothing to do with Studio 60; I just like the way it sounds)

I don't like The Land of Say It. I've been there once and it wasn't fun. I don't want to go there again. I just...don't. Especially when there is a 99% chance of the exact same thing happening again. Well, maybe not exactly the same thing, because he's not as stupid as Victor was (is...?), but it'd still have the same end result. And it is slow torture, let me tell you. How many times have I told myself that I must put an end to it, that I was washing my hands of him, that'd it'd stop soon if only I avoided him and stopped talking to him completely? But it hasn't worked, none of it. It just gets worse and worse every day, the rips and tears in my heart growing bigger and bigger every time he doesn't say hello, and every time I see him talking to other, much more attractive girls than me. And my hopes grow to ridiculous sizes every time he says a kind word, or he looks at me, or gives me any amount of attention whatsoever, only to have said hopes crushed completely in his long-fingered, capable hands.

And you know what the worst part about all of this is? The same thing has been happening to me for the past six years in a row. Six years I've been putting myself through this bullshit! Can't I ever have a fucking BREAK?!?!

Sometimes it's just too much to take...you know? Like you're falling and falling and no one is coming to save you.