Jackie: A Tale of Perversity and Woe

Rob's piece of shit car somehow, miraculously, passed inspection, and so he was able to take me to see The Dark Knight Rises (which was GREEEEAAATTTTT), and then back to his new abode. It's a small room he's renting at someone's house, basically. We moved some of his stuff in there. The room smells like smoke and doesn't have a lock. But he gets Internet, cable, and his TV has a slot for VHS tapes.

Seriously, though, I have no idea how his shitty Beetle passed inspection. That thing has, like, at least thirty-five problems.

Been trying to write another Tony/Bruce fanfic but I suck at everything, so it's been slow going. Sometimes it feels more like a chore, and other times I have fun writing it, but mostly it feels like a chore, or something I have to do because I had the idea and I want to make myself keep writing things so I don't fall into another pit of Not Writing For Years.

Okay, so I've sort of gotten another idea for a Tony/Bruce fic, but it requires, like. Actual plotting and stuff. And figuring out what is going to happen and whatnot.

I mean, I don't have to write it, obviously, and I've gotten a couple other ideas -- ideas that will, also, need plotting and research.

UUGGGH CAN'T I JUST KNOW EVERYTHING INSTANTLY AND WRITE IT? I don't want to do work... man, what is this, something I actually want to do with my life? Geeeez.

But seriously, though. I don't even know where to begin with it. It's only a germ of an idea. And I'm definitely not the type of person to sit down and make a story web or what the fuck ever before writing something; I always just get in there and do it and kind of make it up as I go, but that might not work for this...

Oh, well. I'll give it a shot anyway.

Hi! I don't update this often enough anymore, which is kind of sad. I do have things to talk about, sometimes, but I've grown lazy and instead prefer to spend my time aimlessly scrolling Tumblr. I've grown lazy about a lot of things, truth be told. I'm growing increasingly more restless from Not Writing Things, and yet here I sit, in my pajamas, on my day off, Not Writing Things, even though I really want to. Why? Because I'm lazy. And also I have no confidence in myself. And I have no ideas. And I'm scared of failure. And every time I try to write something I get stuck and I give up.

I give up really easily. This has always been a personal failing with me. When I was a kid my mom had to bribe me with Spice Girls merchandise in order to get me to learn how to ride a bike, because I staunchly refused to continue practicing after falling over a bunch of times. I wish someone could bribe me with, like, cold hard cash in order to get me to finish my screenplay, or to practice editing, or write a fanfic, or something. I haven't really been doing anything creative lately and I can feel the toll it's taking on my mind. They say that a writer must write, and I really do have to, I really want to, but I can't because of my own hang-ups and it's driving me mad. I know I should just WRITE and not worry about if it's any good or not but I can't. Or I try and then I just can't continue.

I need to stop whining and just do it.

This screenplay could be so good in the hands of someone who knew what they were doing. Instead, it's in mine. And these characters have to suffer through my boring descriptions and dialogue filled with cliches and my procrastination and just... my utter lack of real skill, in general.

God fucking dammit. I should just accept the fact that I don't really excel at anything and just quietly stop trying to do something with my life because it's never going to work out anyway, no matter what it is.

I feel like I need to write something longhand. Even fanfiction would be nice. But what I would write, though? The last thing I wrote was my screenplay that I haven't worked on in months and months. I never write anymore and the thought is depressing. I used to write constantly. I had to write. It was all I wanted to do with my life, and now I never do it anymore. :/

I am trying so hard to write more of my screenplay, I really am, but every single time I open it I stare at it for five seconds and then click out of it and I don't really know why exactly. I'm still enthusiastic about it, and I want to write it because it's gonna be awesome, and I really want to get to the scenes I already have all laid out in my head, but for some reason I am just, like... I don't even know! I made a desktop wallpaper for it so I could see it and go "MAN THIS SHIT IS GONNA BE FANTASTIC I GOTTA WRITE MORE", but it's not working. And also I want to write in a part for Benedict Cumberbatch because I love him and in an ideal world he would be in my movie and then we would be bros, BUT THIS STUPID SCRIPT AIN'T GONNA WRITE ITSELF.

I signed up for Script Frenzy in April, though, so maybe that'll help (but probably not, lulz). Here's my profile if you want to be my "writing buddy" or whatever it is.

I just want to skip all of this shit in the beginning and go right to the gangster stuff BUT I FEEL LIKE THIS OTHER STUFF SHOULD BE THERE, but maybe it shouldn't. Maybe I really should just skip ahead even more. Because I'm not really sure what the point of all of this particular stuff is except to show how Charlie and Myra meet, because I read how the real Luciano and Lansky met and it's actually a cool story, and I wanted to put it in here, but I don't know if I can without all of this... it's filler! It feels like unnecessary filler. I dunno.

Actually, to be honest, I just want to skip everything until Charlie and Anne meet, but I definitely can't do that. There's gotta be some build-up.

eta: Problem solved by skipping all of the filler shit and just going right to Charlie and Myra meeting. Only now I don't know what should happen next. Great.

I feel like I'm in a place right now where I need to be Writing Something, but I just can't seem to. It's frustrating. I can feel my hands twitching to put pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard, or what have you, but there's also some kind of lock-down going on and I don't know the combination to unlock it.

Normally I would just start writing something, anything, but... *stares moodily off into the distance*

Livejournal is back for me! :DDD Now I've got tons of stuff to catch up on...

STUFF FROM TODAY AND YESTERDAY:

- I've started re-reading all of my Spider-Man stuff, from the beginning. No point in buying all those Essentials if I'm only gonna read 'em once, amirite?

- I want to start writing another novel but I have absolutely no ideas. I feel creatively impotent. I've been feeling incompetent in general lately, though. :/

- I got a letter from SVA today welcoming me to "another academic year". WTF? I was supposed to be un-enrolled from the place! I e-mailed the financial aid guy about this, but he won't be replying until Tuesday, apparently, so I might as well just call on Monday. I swear to God if I'm still not un-enrolled from there (which I strongly suspect is true), I will flip OUT. Unless, through some weird quirk, I can go to the school but I don't have to pay for anything. Which would just be too good to be true, hahaha.

-I watched The Reader last night, and it was all kinds of great.

Livejournal hasn't been working for quite some time now. I hope it gets fixed soon... I need my Fandom Secrets and LJ Secrets fix!

I haven't really done anything today, as per usual... although I hung up my pictures and posters left over from my dorm. I think this is me finally accepting that I won't be going back and there's no reason to leave them in my bag anymore. Now, my lovely RDJ and Marlon Brando pictures are hanging over my desk. Nice.

Also, I want to start writing another novel. The question is, what about? :/ I was gonna start writing Bethsaida again but I'm just not interested in the subject material anymore. Although I like the journal I was writing it in, so maybe I'll keep the title. It's kind of a cool title, anyway.