Jackie: A Tale of Perversity and Woe

It's been so nice having two days off in a row. I wish I had off the rest of the week, too, but alas, money must be made.

I still haven't heard when Ann is coming back to work -- or if she's even coming back at all -- so this puts a damper on any plans I had to find a second job. I don't want a second job anyway, but I can't stay here for much longer. I'm not making enough money, no matter how many hours Jamie generously gives me, and it's only going to be a couple more years before my loan payments go up significantly, and then I'll be royally screwed. I'm at a loss as to what to do. I need some kind of plan, but that's a hard thing to do when I can't even think about it for too long without suffering a debilitating nervous breakdown. This situation I'm in is completely impossible.

I'm sure you're all very sick of me talking about oh woe is me, I had to drop out of college and now I owe tons of money, whatever I shall do, I suck at most things and I hate my job that I make barely any money at, boo hoo hoo -- hell, I'm sick of THINKING about it, to be honest. I'm sick of making excuses for myself... even if it's not really "making excuses", since all of it is true. I think I am a victim of one of those childhoods where all the adult figures in my life tell me I am super awesome and special and talented, and it demotivates me because I've always been told I would get far because I'm just so naturally gifted or whatever.

Agh. Life sucks. WHAT TO DO, WHAT TO DO. Sometimes I think I might be depressed. I've just lost enthusiasm for so many things I used to enjoy. I am so terrified of failure that I can't even try anymore. It sucks.

So, my life sucks right now. We've established this already. I am becoming depressed and feeling more and more hopeless every day. I need something in my life besides the confidence-draining, pointless and inane job I have now, where I am routinely made to feel like crap. I need something besides maybe, perhaps making a music video in the spring and random, sparse trips to New York City.

I think I'm going to go back to school -- not to SVA, unless they decide to let me go there and live there for free (unlikely) -- but to Montclair State, or something like that. The ideal would be to go to a college in Manhattan and live in the dorms there, but let‘s face it, it's not going to happen in a way so that I don't get into any more debt than I am already in. I want to live in the city but it can't happen yet, unless I decide to go through with that thing I talked about a few entries ago. Besides, I've been feeling guilty sitting around the house, depending on my parents, and not -- well, not growing up.

I may not go into the Filmmaking major, but into the Broadcasting major instead. Or something completely different. I don't know. I might not even do it at all. I'd need to be able to get enough scholarships or grants to cover least almost all of the costs, because I cannot get into more debt. It's not going to work. It's bad enough already, and upping it, even if it is only a few thousand more, is going to fucking kill me when I'm finally done with school.

Exceeeept I've been looking at scholarships again and am reminded why I couldn't find any the first time around:

1) I am not a minority.
2) I am not going into a math or science related field.
3) I am not poor enough (because my parents can totally afford to shell out money for me when they're living paycheck to paycheck, besides they can't/won't pay for anything anyway)
4) I have never done community service.
5) I have never belonged to any clubs that give out scholarships.
6) I am not disadvantaged enough and nothing traumatic has ever happened to me.
7) I didn't get amazing grades.
8) Neither of my parents, nor I, have ever been in the military. My aunt has but I'm not sure if she counts.
9) I can't write a good essay.
10) My SAT score was only 1750.
11) I have never particularly excelled at anything.
12) I have never won any awards.
13) I am not a "leader".
14) I have never cured cancer or AIDS or done anything else that is reasonable to expect of somebody that hasn't been preparing for college since grade school.

I'll be able to get a $5,000 scholarship for 8 semesters if I go to Montclair (got higher than 1700 on SAT and at least a 3.0 gpa), but that's it.

*deep sigh* Why is everything crap???

I got basically four hours worth of sleep last night... I was up for hours just worrying about a ton of shit. About my job, what'll happen to me if I lose it, what I'm gonna do if I still can't get my Smart Options loan, what I'm gonna do if I do get the loan and it's a lot of money per month, how I can't possibly stay at SVA past second year because it's too expensive, what the hell I'm going to do if I'm not at school, if I'm ever going to be able to make it as an editor, if I can even be an editor because a lot of computer stuff just goes right over my head, if I can't be an editor then what the hell I'm going to do with my life, and being scared that I will be stuck in retail for the rest of my life like my parents. Scared that I'll be stuck in New Jersey the rest of my life and I'll never get to live in New York.

I hate that I'm poor, but not poor enough to receive any sort of valuable assistance from the government regarding tuition. It makes everything so fucking difficult.

I don't even know why I'm so tired. It's not like I stayed up late last night! Geez... we didn't even go to Seattle like Ganna's sortaboyfriend wanted to. We decided not to go because a bunch of people we didn't know would be going with us and we didn't feel comfortable with it. So we just watched Wayne's World and then went to bed. At 12:30.

SO WHY AM I TIRED???? I even had coffee and I'm still sleepy. WTF.

So, high school is now officially over. At the end of August I will be living in New York City and I will be completely by myself and independent.

...Fuck.

ETA: Oh, and I keep forgetting to mention -- my dad got me a video camera as a graduation present! :DD I'm gonna have to buy some more tapes...