Jackie: A Tale of Perversity and Woe

Hi! I don't update this often enough anymore, which is kind of sad. I do have things to talk about, sometimes, but I've grown lazy and instead prefer to spend my time aimlessly scrolling Tumblr. I've grown lazy about a lot of things, truth be told. I'm growing increasingly more restless from Not Writing Things, and yet here I sit, in my pajamas, on my day off, Not Writing Things, even though I really want to. Why? Because I'm lazy. And also I have no confidence in myself. And I have no ideas. And I'm scared of failure. And every time I try to write something I get stuck and I give up.

I give up really easily. This has always been a personal failing with me. When I was a kid my mom had to bribe me with Spice Girls merchandise in order to get me to learn how to ride a bike, because I staunchly refused to continue practicing after falling over a bunch of times. I wish someone could bribe me with, like, cold hard cash in order to get me to finish my screenplay, or to practice editing, or write a fanfic, or something. I haven't really been doing anything creative lately and I can feel the toll it's taking on my mind. They say that a writer must write, and I really do have to, I really want to, but I can't because of my own hang-ups and it's driving me mad. I know I should just WRITE and not worry about if it's any good or not but I can't. Or I try and then I just can't continue.

I need to stop whining and just do it.

I don't really write much in here anymore, do I?

Nothing's really going on, besides the usual money problems and whatnot. Oh, and I've been getting a new cold sore every goddamn week for the past three weeks and it is driving me absolutely nuts. At least they're not really noticeable, as I've been taking Lysine as soon as I start feeling a new one coming so they're stopped when they're still small and discreet, but still. Now that I have a boyfriend I like to kiss it actually MATTERS that I have a cold sore. And getting them so frequently is really cramping my style, man.

Also, I'm trying to write a short story to get into this anthology that's gonna be made by the same publishing company airspaniel got published in, but since I've been having very bad writer's block for the past two years -- and coupled with my crippling fear of failure and rejection -- it's been very slow-going. As in, I've only written three pages, and it's supposed to be 6,000-20,000 words. And the final draft is due in mid-January. And I haven't written anything in a week. I thought it might've been easier to write it if I took the characters from my screenplay and put them in a slightly different situation in order to fit the prompt, but yeah, not helping too much.

Sigh. I used to write all the time. Now look at me.

I feel like I'm in a place right now where I need to be Writing Something, but I just can't seem to. It's frustrating. I can feel my hands twitching to put pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard, or what have you, but there's also some kind of lock-down going on and I don't know the combination to unlock it.

Normally I would just start writing something, anything, but... *stares moodily off into the distance*

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A lady shoving two dogs at my face.