Jackie: A Tale of Perversity and Woe

So, my life sucks right now. We've established this already. I am becoming depressed and feeling more and more hopeless every day. I need something in my life besides the confidence-draining, pointless and inane job I have now, where I am routinely made to feel like crap. I need something besides maybe, perhaps making a music video in the spring and random, sparse trips to New York City.

I think I'm going to go back to school -- not to SVA, unless they decide to let me go there and live there for free (unlikely) -- but to Montclair State, or something like that. The ideal would be to go to a college in Manhattan and live in the dorms there, but let‘s face it, it's not going to happen in a way so that I don't get into any more debt than I am already in. I want to live in the city but it can't happen yet, unless I decide to go through with that thing I talked about a few entries ago. Besides, I've been feeling guilty sitting around the house, depending on my parents, and not -- well, not growing up.

I may not go into the Filmmaking major, but into the Broadcasting major instead. Or something completely different. I don't know. I might not even do it at all. I'd need to be able to get enough scholarships or grants to cover least almost all of the costs, because I cannot get into more debt. It's not going to work. It's bad enough already, and upping it, even if it is only a few thousand more, is going to fucking kill me when I'm finally done with school.

Exceeeept I've been looking at scholarships again and am reminded why I couldn't find any the first time around:

1) I am not a minority.
2) I am not going into a math or science related field.
3) I am not poor enough (because my parents can totally afford to shell out money for me when they're living paycheck to paycheck, besides they can't/won't pay for anything anyway)
4) I have never done community service.
5) I have never belonged to any clubs that give out scholarships.
6) I am not disadvantaged enough and nothing traumatic has ever happened to me.
7) I didn't get amazing grades.
8) Neither of my parents, nor I, have ever been in the military. My aunt has but I'm not sure if she counts.
9) I can't write a good essay.
10) My SAT score was only 1750.
11) I have never particularly excelled at anything.
12) I have never won any awards.
13) I am not a "leader".
14) I have never cured cancer or AIDS or done anything else that is reasonable to expect of somebody that hasn't been preparing for college since grade school.

I'll be able to get a $5,000 scholarship for 8 semesters if I go to Montclair (got higher than 1700 on SAT and at least a 3.0 gpa), but that's it.

*deep sigh* Why is everything crap???

Livejournal hasn't been working for quite some time now. I hope it gets fixed soon... I need my Fandom Secrets and LJ Secrets fix!

I haven't really done anything today, as per usual... although I hung up my pictures and posters left over from my dorm. I think this is me finally accepting that I won't be going back and there's no reason to leave them in my bag anymore. Now, my lovely RDJ and Marlon Brando pictures are hanging over my desk. Nice.

Also, I want to start writing another novel. The question is, what about? :/ I was gonna start writing Bethsaida again but I'm just not interested in the subject material anymore. Although I like the journal I was writing it in, so maybe I'll keep the title. It's kind of a cool title, anyway.

I wish I was going back to SVA next month. I want to live in the dorms again. I want to be in New York City every day and I want to be going to classes and I want to see different people who will become the same people after a while, and... fuck, I just miss it. :/

I got basically four hours worth of sleep last night... I was up for hours just worrying about a ton of shit. About my job, what'll happen to me if I lose it, what I'm gonna do if I still can't get my Smart Options loan, what I'm gonna do if I do get the loan and it's a lot of money per month, how I can't possibly stay at SVA past second year because it's too expensive, what the hell I'm going to do if I'm not at school, if I'm ever going to be able to make it as an editor, if I can even be an editor because a lot of computer stuff just goes right over my head, if I can't be an editor then what the hell I'm going to do with my life, and being scared that I will be stuck in retail for the rest of my life like my parents. Scared that I'll be stuck in New Jersey the rest of my life and I'll never get to live in New York.

I hate that I'm poor, but not poor enough to receive any sort of valuable assistance from the government regarding tuition. It makes everything so fucking difficult.

So three of my classes have gotten canceled for next year, and apparently I'm gonna need to contact my advisor to change them. I'll e-mail him, but I bet you anything he's gonna ask me to come down to his office since I also need to add a non-elective Humanities class (even though I was told One Act Play would cover that). His office is always only open in the mornings, except on Wednesdays. I don't want to spend money to go into the city just to change my schedule! Argh. I'll have to try plan a day trip with my friends soon or something.

And hopefully me and Kim can still get the same classes together, since all three of the classes canceled were ones I share with her. I want familiar faces, dammit!

I move out of the dorms today after going to the screenings tonight, and I am a sad panda, for a multitude of reasons. I'm going to try to make this summer better than I predict it will be, but it might very well end up sucking anyway.

I've got loads of stuff to clean and pack, and I probably should get started now. Next year I'll try to not let the floor get so dirty, haha.

Today was the last acting class, and me and Corinne did our scene with much success (this one). And Afton flaked out on Tanaya so I did a cold reading scene with her, and that went well too. Everyone was amazed that I was able to "do so well" when I had just read the scene for the first time two minutes ago, haha. I'm cool.

Anyway, I'm really sad that this year is almost over. Just one more class and that's it. :( I'm gonna miss these people; I've had a lot of fun this year.

I'm done with my research paper! :DD



I actually sort of had fun writing it, too. Such is the magic of Woody Allen, I suppose. And I better get a good grade on this thing or I'll flip; I actually worked on it this time!

I finished registering for my class for next year earlier today. I'm concentrating on Editing, with some Screenwriting as well. It shall be the awesome, hopefully.

And now, I go outside to enjoy this gloriously sunny and warm day! *skips off into the distance*

THINGS WRONG WITH THIS WEEK SO FAR:

-Presentation on Thursday that I have little time to prepare for.
-50 page "idea book", also due on Thursday, that I again have little time to prepare for.
-Am experiencing mental block with storyboards; know that I should draw them but instead... don't, because I know I won't really use it.
-Feel lazy and horrible and can't concentrate on anything. Spring Break has made me even lazier than usual, and I was pretty damn lazy to begin with.
-Fear Casey might wind up not showing for the film shoot on Wednesday since he still has not gotten back to me.
-Am slowly losing interest in Nite Owl/Rorschach.
-No longer in possession of Playstation and miss my video games.
-Left my Zune player at home and will now be stuck without it for the rest of the week and will inevitably go insane.

THINGS GOOD WITH THIS WEEK SO FAR:

-Film History mid-term has been moved to next week.
-School is letting me use the building for the shoot on Wednesday.
-Back in NYC, which is awesome.
-Re-reading Watchmen, which is also awesome, albeit distracting me from the things I'm supposed to be doing.
-Possibly going to go see Watchmen again with some people.
-Ride to film shoot is confirmed.

So, more bad than good, at this point. Not fun.

( Also, meme. )