Ch-ch-ch-changes
Nov. 10th, 2009 08:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tju_tju_tju_tjuSo, my life sucks right now. We've established this already. I am becoming depressed and feeling more and more hopeless every day. I need something in my life besides the confidence-draining, pointless and inane job I have now, where I am routinely made to feel like crap. I need something besides maybe, perhaps making a music video in the spring and random, sparse trips to New York City.
I think I'm going to go back to school -- not to SVA, unless they decide to let me go there and live there for free (unlikely) -- but to Montclair State, or something like that. The ideal would be to go to a college in Manhattan and live in the dorms there, but let‘s face it, it's not going to happen in a way so that I don't get into any more debt than I am already in. I want to live in the city but it can't happen yet, unless I decide to go through with that thing I talked about a few entries ago. Besides, I've been feeling guilty sitting around the house, depending on my parents, and not -- well, not growing up.
I may not go into the Filmmaking major, but into the Broadcasting major instead. Or something completely different. I don't know. I might not even do it at all. I'd need to be able to get enough scholarships or grants to cover least almost all of the costs, because I cannot get into more debt. It's not going to work. It's bad enough already, and upping it, even if it is only a few thousand more, is going to fucking kill me when I'm finally done with school.
Exceeeept I've been looking at scholarships again and am reminded why I couldn't find any the first time around:
1) I am not a minority.
2) I am not going into a math or science related field.
3) I am not poor enough (because my parents can totally afford to shell out money for me when they're living paycheck to paycheck, besides they can't/won't pay for anything anyway)
4) I have never done community service.
5) I have never belonged to any clubs that give out scholarships.
6) I am not disadvantaged enough and nothing traumatic has ever happened to me.
7) I didn't get amazing grades.
8) Neither of my parents, nor I, have ever been in the military. My aunt has but I'm not sure if she counts.
9) I can't write a good essay.
10) My SAT score was only 1750.
11) I have never particularly excelled at anything.
12) I have never won any awards.
13) I am not a "leader".
14) I have never cured cancer or AIDS or done anything else that is reasonable to expect of somebody that hasn't been preparing for college since grade school.
I'll be able to get a $5,000 scholarship for 8 semesters if I go to Montclair (got higher than 1700 on SAT and at least a 3.0 gpa), but that's it.
*deep sigh* Why is everything crap???
I think I'm going to go back to school -- not to SVA, unless they decide to let me go there and live there for free (unlikely) -- but to Montclair State, or something like that. The ideal would be to go to a college in Manhattan and live in the dorms there, but let‘s face it, it's not going to happen in a way so that I don't get into any more debt than I am already in. I want to live in the city but it can't happen yet, unless I decide to go through with that thing I talked about a few entries ago. Besides, I've been feeling guilty sitting around the house, depending on my parents, and not -- well, not growing up.
I may not go into the Filmmaking major, but into the Broadcasting major instead. Or something completely different. I don't know. I might not even do it at all. I'd need to be able to get enough scholarships or grants to cover least almost all of the costs, because I cannot get into more debt. It's not going to work. It's bad enough already, and upping it, even if it is only a few thousand more, is going to fucking kill me when I'm finally done with school.
Exceeeept I've been looking at scholarships again and am reminded why I couldn't find any the first time around:
1) I am not a minority.
2) I am not going into a math or science related field.
3) I am not poor enough (because my parents can totally afford to shell out money for me when they're living paycheck to paycheck, besides they can't/won't pay for anything anyway)
4) I have never done community service.
5) I have never belonged to any clubs that give out scholarships.
6) I am not disadvantaged enough and nothing traumatic has ever happened to me.
7) I didn't get amazing grades.
8) Neither of my parents, nor I, have ever been in the military. My aunt has but I'm not sure if she counts.
9) I can't write a good essay.
10) My SAT score was only 1750.
11) I have never particularly excelled at anything.
12) I have never won any awards.
13) I am not a "leader".
14) I have never cured cancer or AIDS or done anything else that is reasonable to expect of somebody that hasn't been preparing for college since grade school.
I'll be able to get a $5,000 scholarship for 8 semesters if I go to Montclair (got higher than 1700 on SAT and at least a 3.0 gpa), but that's it.
*deep sigh* Why is everything crap???
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(no subject)
Date: 2009-11-11 02:31 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-11-11 02:59 am (UTC)PS - I saw David Anders on CSI and thought of you
Date: 2009-11-11 02:52 am (UTC)How much is Montclair's tuition per semester? Would 5000 make a dent in it? And is that 5000 per semester, or is it spread over 8 semesters?
You're a smart girl, and I'm proud of you for coming to terms with all this and knowing you can't afford to do what you wanted, even though that sucks. One day you'll be able to, and it'll be amazing. I wish I could help you out, but currently I'm in just as bad a situation - no formal debt, but living on my own with no job and no money coming in. So yeah. >_> But when I get a job and have my refund from school and get my taxes back, I MIGHT just send you a check. :D
Try to be happier, lovely girl. <3 I know it's hard and I'm sorry everything sucks, but maybe things will get better soon. <3
Re: PS - I saw David Anders on CSI and thought of you
Date: 2009-11-11 03:05 am (UTC)It's $5,000 spread over 8 semesters. Tutition is a little more than $3,000 a year for in-state residents, not counting other fees.
I would agree with the someday I'll have more money thing but I am feeling incredibly pessimistic right now, haha. I got completely stuck. If I hadn't gone to SVA last year and instead had applied to Montclair or something I wouldn't be as bad a shape as I'm in right now. Even out-of-state tuition isn't that bad. But I'm 50K in debt and I can't take out any more loans. I won't be able to get a full ride and I won't make enough money to pay for college myself. I don't see any way I can go anywhere. And if I can't go anywhere, I won't be able to do anything with my life and I will become more and more depressed with every passing day and I will not be able to do anything with my life because I'm not good enough at anything. The egg donating thing is seriously looking like my only option left.
Thanks, though. <3333
Re: PS - I saw David Anders on CSI and thought of you
Date: 2009-11-11 07:34 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-11-11 04:21 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-11-11 04:29 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-11-11 04:54 pm (UTC)... SAT scores only go up to 1600, so that's a typo, right? o_o
(no subject)
Date: 2009-11-11 05:12 pm (UTC)The SATs changed several years ago. They changed the scoring system and got rid of the ____ is to _____ as _____ is to _____ stuff. The highest you can get now is 2400.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-11-11 05:22 pm (UTC)xD Because two years ago when I took the GRE the scoring system hadn't changed yet, analogies were still included, and all of the info they gave out was for the GRE the SAT and the SATII tests. Maybe I was like, just under the wire or something.
Another thing you might be able to do with them is see if you all together can get a PLUS loan? It's technically a loan the parents take out specifically for their student, but that could help. It may also help you to, once you receive award offers from schools, call them up and explain your situation and try to bargian. You can call them up and say things like, "I really want to attend [school you're talking to] but [other school you were accepted to] is offering [larger amount] and finances are an issue, so is there any way you could match their offer?"
And then when/if they do, you can call back the school who gave you the larger amount and say that the other school is "bidding" or "negotiating in an attempt to beat your (their) offer", and see if the original school will beef up their offer. This applies more to grad school, but you can often get an extra thousand OR a guarantee for more than just the one year at that amount, OR sometimes they'll offer something else to try and get you in. Haggling is totally worth the effort it when it comes to college.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-11-11 05:52 pm (UTC)My parents can't take out a loan for me, that's how the whole thing started. My mom wasn't even eligible to co-sign my loan for my second year at SVA. We*re too poor and their credit is too bad. They were going to file for bankruptcy but they don't have a copy of every single tax return in their lives or something so they can't.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-11-11 08:50 pm (UTC)