We're bound to wait all night.

[tju_tju_tju_tju]

I had a dream this morning where I was in an extreme state of depression because of all the shit that's happening in my real life, like my creative impotency and my loans and my shitty job and lack of a bright future. In the dream, I was remembering film school and how we filmed at a hotel this one time and how I threw a rope from one of the windows and started gliding over the city on it, dress fluttering in the wind. I wanted to watch it again so I went to a cabinet where a bunch of VHS tapes of my films and other moments in my life were... only to discover that they had all been taped over. I ran over to my mom to ask her what happened and she said my dad must've taped over them and that she'd try to fix it. While she was doing this I silently went over to the TV, unplugged it, and collapsed face-down on my bed, feeling numb and empty.

I recalled a group therapy session where the guy sitting next to me was talking about how some homeless guy had given him shoes that said "apathy" on them and how it reminded him to try to make his life better. I said that was stupid and you shouldn't get life advice from shoes (or something like that, I can't exactly remember). Then, everyone in the therapy session became colorful constellations in the night sky, urging me to do better and be better. So I got up, and I went over to the tapes and started fixing them myself. I woke up, and felt weirdly peaceful.

But now, remembering the dream, and trying to write a baking blog entry post, I feel like crying.

Comments

[daintress.livejournal.com]

I've had weird dreams lately, too. :( I guess the important thing to remember is that they really don't mean anything in particular - they're just extensions of how you already know you feel.

[tju-tju-tju-tju.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's true. It's how I've been feeling underneath the surface of everything. My day to day life is fine, but then there's that undercurrent of sadness that's hidden under everything else that I feel like I should be thankful for.

[daintress.livejournal.com]

It's okay to be thankful for some things even if you aren't happy with others. I am thankful for a lot of things - but still generally miserable these days. *shrugs* Life has seasons. There will be another good one coming up. Just have to force your way through the tough times to earn the good ones.

[sidonay.livejournal.com]

well... it started off horrible but kind of turned out ok? the constellation part sounded kind of nice actually.

I'm sorry life hasn't been treating you well lately though. :(

[tju-tju-tju-tju.livejournal.com]

It did. And I actually felt okay until I wrote this entry. Then I started thinking about it too much and got really upset. :( I went to work and I just wanted to give up and go home. But I'm fine now, mostly.

Thanks. <3 Things could always be a lot worse, though. I have to try and remember that.

[everworld2662.livejournal.com]

Oh, that sucks, notwithstanding the peaceful end :( I used to have a lot of dreams about being depressed (or "crying into coffee cups", as I call it, since that would usually be the focal point of the dream), and it always seemed like a weird thing to dream about.

In any case, I really hope your head-space improves soon <3

[tju-tju-tju-tju.livejournal.com]

It really is weird. I don't feel that depressed in real life, but I've just... given up, slowly, over the past few years, and I guess my mind is trying to tell me I don't have to give up, that if I try things will get better for me, but it's so hard to listen to that sometimes.

Thanks. <3